I look at my dog Maggie laying next to me and it just makes me wonder what’s going on in her head. Her breathing is labored and her saliva is very thick. She doesn’t even want to eat or drink. I gave her some fruit loops a little while ago, which she was very happy about and had that look like she wanted more. Why can’t I give her more? She’s going to be leaving us tomorrow after she gets to see Cort. I think she’s been waiting for him to come home and so does my mom. I can’t blame her; I would want to wait to say good bye to him as well. We are all family and love each other, we at the very least would like to say one last I love you. I feel angry every time I think about how my sister doesn’t want to really be involved. Maggie is our family, if it was Cort, mom or I she would hopefully get involved. Why is now different? Why can’t she come say good bye? What’s going to happen when Jack or Sally pass away or become very sick and/or old? She will be forced to deal with it then.
Death itself is a hard thing. It is hard for everyone involved, except maybe the caretaker or embalmer. It is good for the person and/or animal passing away, but it is very hard for the people they are leaving. I bet for some of the people and/or animals that are dying it is hard as well. Wouldn’t you feel torn if you had to leave everyone you loved? I found out an interesting thing one day when my mom made a comment about butterflies and how one had been following her around. I found out that black butterflies normally symbol death and/or a very large change. For some reason that resonated with me. Yesterday when I went for a walk I had four of them fly in front of me. I had a feeling they were warning me about Maggie, but it didn’t make it any easier. Last night I cried harder that I had cried in years. My chest hurt, I couldn’t breathe and my body didn’t want to function. I almost collapsed at one point. I cried like I had when my dad left. It was the same feeling all over again. I also talked to Maggie last night and told her how much I loved her, about stories of her life I remembered, that she would see Misty again in the Pet Playground, and I also said good bye. When I Tyler came in I completely broke down all over again and actually called my dad. I don’t know why I wanted him so badly all of a sudden. I just wanted to sit in his lap while he held me, telling me everything would be ok. I felt like a terrified little girl all over again. I was rather disappointed when he never called me back, even today. No text about it, nothing.
Recently we watched Dead Like Me and it explored many parts of death. I was able to see it in some many different ways and understand it more than I had when I was a preteen. It doesn’t change the fact that I love Maggie with all my heart. I asked that we have her cremated so we could keep her with us no matter where we went. That was I could still talk to her and have her around when things were bad like she always is. I feel so lost and confused right now. I want her happy and no longer in pain, but at the same time I’m not ready to let go. This isn’t about me though, this is about her. I love her and whatever she wants, I will do whatever I can to make that happen.
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