Foggy Window

I apparently wrote this last night after my sleeping pill kicked in. I vaguely remember it, but not really. I guess let me know what you think.

It’s interesting how when you aren’t heavily dosed with pain medication the world looks completely different. It’s like looking through a nice new clean window after looking through a dirty foggy one for months. I was noticing things that I had never seen before. Like the fact that the building weren’t just brown, they were shades of brown and green. I noticed the woman in her very red dress that burned your eyes after looking at her in the sun. I noticed a tiny African American man walking around the streets collecting bags and singing to himself. I had heard about him before, but I had never really seen or noticed him. He had a cap on his head that shadowed his rough beard and his clothes unfortunately were worn to the bone. Everyone had always said he was so nice, so why was he still here? Why hasn’t anyone helped him? Some things, I don’t want to notice.
A year ago, I was a sophomore in college and working like most college students going to a community college. I had straight A’s and I was in an academic honor society. I could come and go at home as I pleased and I had been with my fantastic boyfriend for over a year. After surgery about six months ago I became basically stuck at home medicated on the couch. I was in pain all the time and I was heavily medicated with pain medication. Not only was I getting 30mg’s an hour through a pain patch, I was also taking 100mg’s ever 6 hours orally. My entire world had been altered so quickly. Six months later and I was just starting to walk around with a cane. I was told to push through the pain. Finally, I was sick of it. I stopped all of my pain medication and only took it when I absolutely needed it. Even then I would debate taking it for hours until I finally gave in and took it. I was only taking it periodically. A significant amount of the pain had gone away, after stopping the pain medication, so I started to feel fantastic.
My wonderful boyfriend took me to the city to go shopping and get some fresh air. I was absolutely excited, especially since I would be walking. As we strolled I noticed the green of the trees leaves, and the patterns on the flowers. I even saw stores and gardens I had never known existed. It felt like a perfect day.
“Are you ready?”
The voice was very rough and dry. They almost seemed disinterested in what they were doing. It was that type of voice some people had when you walked up to check out at a store. That voice where you can tell they are miserable and don’t want to be there.
“Now?”
“Well yes, of course now. When else would we leave?” he sneered.
What a jerk. I could feel a frown slide onto my face to protest leaving. My heart was killing me and I wanted to just fall over and cry. How could some one that I had never met till just now be so cruel?
I could feel the tears preparing to spill down my face as I took in the scene before me. On my right there was a car that was spun not only completely around, but upside down as well leaning on one of the light poles. The cars sleek black paint made it stick out among the cars on the street. A car that was expensive and didn’t belong here. The driver had been completely drunk. He came flying around the corner at twice the speed limit, and then BANG! There goes the person crossing the street.
There was blood everywhere. The girl’s purse had been thrown 20 feet behind her, not that it really mattered. Her phone was in her purse, how was she going to call her mom and tell her everything would be ok. How was I going to get it back, it was too much of a mess to get it back. Oh the blood, so much blood.
“Miss! Are you ready yet?”
He was getting irritated; I could hear it in his voice. He wanted to move on to the next thing. Like most people, he wanted to get done and go home. I couldn’t blame him, but I wish he would understand.
There’s the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend who took me out. He’s going to think its his fault, but it’s not. How do I make sure he knows, it’s not his fault?
“How do I tell him,” I whispered. My mouth didn’t want to work.
“You can’t,” he growled.
“What do you mean I can’t? No letter? No, like psychic? Nothing?”
Was he kidding me? I can’t tell anyone how much I loved them or how much they meant the world to me? These poor people had to put up with me trying to get better for over six months, and now this!
“Why the hell not!” I yelled.
“Look, if I could let you I would. The thing is, it’s against the rules. You can’t try and communicate with mortals for at least 2 years. It has to do with the grieving process.”
What was I supposed to do? Just let everyone think what they wanted about me? Just because today had started out bad and I had snapped at people, I will forever be that angry girl. I’m not normally angry; I don’t want to be this way.
“Look, kid, the longer you try and stay here the worse it’s going to get. Let’s go.”
I understood his point, it was logical. I had to say goodbye first, to at least my love.
This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I slowly walked toward my boyfriend. He was sitting on the curb crying, not that I could blame him. I knew he was mumbling something, but as I got closer it was easier to understand.
“It’s all my fault, I should have never brought her out.” He whispered as he rocked back and forth.
I touched his head with my blood soaked hands and thought as hard as I could that it was not his fault and that today had been the best day I had had in years. I got out of the house, I was walking, my loving boyfriend had been with me, and I got to smell the ocean one more time. It was perfect.
“Let’s go!” snapped the man’s voice. I still couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, but I knew I had to fallow it. I kissed my loves head and gave him a farewell hug wishing him all the happiness in the world.
I felt a cold hand wrap around mine as I headed back towards the rather disturbing man’s voice. I have to say that it officially freaked me out being grabbed like that. When I looked around to see what it was, I had to look down. My bloody smashed up body was pulling me towards it. Every pull was harder and more forceful. Here I thought I was dead.
“She’s mine!” screamed the creepy disembodied voice, “Give her back! You can’t take her!”
Then what happened was like a whirl wind. I was being pulled in two completely different directions. When the tug-a-war ended, I was thrown back into my body. It’s like being hit with a ton of bricks that can electrocute you. I vaguely remember being in an ambulance, but nothing else up until I woke up in the ICU. I felt like I had my very own little bubble to keep me safe. When I was finally able to open my eyes, I looked around a little and noticed someone holding my hand. It was my mom, my perfect mom. If it wasn’t for her I would have been long gone by now. I can only imagine the magic she pulled for me this time. After moving my hand around a little underneath hers, she woke up with a jolt.
“I am so sorry,” I cried, “I wasn’t trying to wake you up mom.”
“It’s ok sweetie. I’m glad you did.”
She really didn’t say much after that, she just walked over to the curtain that covered my room and opened it. Outside my window was my brothers, sister, sister-in-law, nephew, father, grandmother, and of course my amazing boyfriend. They were all standing there smiling at me, I had never felt so loved in my entire life, I cried. I know I did and it was for at least 10 minutes. I had never been so happy and distraught. It’s amazing what the power of love can do. I still can’t believe that I’m here, breathing.