Saturday, May 29, 2010
G is for Gout
Gout. I’m not really sure how I feel about that word. I always associated it with painful diseases in medieval times. Painful, suffering, oozing, discolored body parts that you can’t cure of the disease; a disease that will kill you very slowly. Well, I found out that most of that is incorrect. It is very painful though and makes your joint swell and become red. This is most common in the joint right before your big toe starts. Actually, 75% of all cases are in that joint and it most commonly affects men. It has never been seen, by my doctors or physical therapists, in someone premenopausal. Well, until now anyways. That’s that necessarily true because they don’t actually know if I have it yet. I just have all the signs and symptoms. After doing some research on The Oracle (Wikipedia) I found out there is also a very similar disease with the same symptoms. This is, they’re both incurable. The only thing is you can do is try and control the fair ups, sort of like an STD. Great, I have a pretend STD that older people get. Figures, I always have been the special one in the family when it comes to medicine. I’m trying not to let it bother me since nothing has been confirmed. At least I can control it through diet and supplements and stuff. Hey, I’ll start taking my vitamins if that means I can get rid of all this pain. Now all that is left to do is get my doctor to hook me up with a blood test. Guess then I’ll know what to do. I will win pain and weird disease. I will win.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Time For Change
I have decided that I need some sort of change in my life. Not something like leaving my boyfriend or changing my identity. Well, I guess in a way it is sort of changing my identity. It won’t change who I am, it will enhance me.
This really started when I was ten years old. I don’t exactly remember how it happened, but I became drawn to Wicca. I don’t mean witchcraft or worshiping the devil. I am talking about enhancing my spiritual connection with earth and nature. Since I was ten years old, it was very hard for me to get any of the materials. I pushed off the thought of practicing Wicca. When I was thirteen, after my father had left, I became drawn to it again. I even bought a book for teenagers that taught witchcraft. Now when looking at that book, I realized that it wasn’t witchcraft that I wanted to learn, it was Wicca. Well, at thirteen a pushed it off again because of everything else that was going on in my life at the time. Everything was so complicated and confusing. Again at fifteen I was drawn to it all over again. When I talked to my friends, they laughed and gave me a hard time about it. I pushed it off again. Now, I’ve been drawn back to it. This time the feeling is a lot stronger than it had been in the past.
Besides the fact that I don’t even know where to start, I don’t want to be a good practitioner. I would rather be a solo one. That way I can work on my connection to the earth. I’m rather confused, but this seems very right. If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. I keep being drawn back to Wicca and because it is so much stronger now, I think it is something I need to do.
This really started when I was ten years old. I don’t exactly remember how it happened, but I became drawn to Wicca. I don’t mean witchcraft or worshiping the devil. I am talking about enhancing my spiritual connection with earth and nature. Since I was ten years old, it was very hard for me to get any of the materials. I pushed off the thought of practicing Wicca. When I was thirteen, after my father had left, I became drawn to it again. I even bought a book for teenagers that taught witchcraft. Now when looking at that book, I realized that it wasn’t witchcraft that I wanted to learn, it was Wicca. Well, at thirteen a pushed it off again because of everything else that was going on in my life at the time. Everything was so complicated and confusing. Again at fifteen I was drawn to it all over again. When I talked to my friends, they laughed and gave me a hard time about it. I pushed it off again. Now, I’ve been drawn back to it. This time the feeling is a lot stronger than it had been in the past.
Besides the fact that I don’t even know where to start, I don’t want to be a good practitioner. I would rather be a solo one. That way I can work on my connection to the earth. I’m rather confused, but this seems very right. If anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. I keep being drawn back to Wicca and because it is so much stronger now, I think it is something I need to do.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Dreams, Pain, and Possible Hallucinations
The past couple of nights have been rather interesting. Things like strange dreams, pains, and a possible hallucination. I dream every night and for the most part I remember them, quite vividly. People complain that my dreams are too long and detailed. I guess that’s just another quark of mine.
Let’s start with Sunday night. I had been asleep for about 2 and a half hours at this point. Pressure changes wake me up sometimes, like my door opening and I think that’s what woke me up. I thought I had heard the door move and assumed it was my boyfriend coming in to check on me. When I opened my eyes and glanced over at the door, it was moved. It was much further open then it had been. Well, I caught something out the corner of my eye and looked over. A guy, who I thought was my boyfriend, was staring at me. It completely freaked me out. They just kept staring at me. Well this is kind of how it went.
“Oh my god Tyler, you scared the crap out of me.”
Guy keeps staring.
“Tyler?”
Keeps on staring.
“Tyler?”
Keeps staring.
“Tyler?”
At this point my voice was getting quitter and staring to sound freaked out as I sink into my bed and pillow. This guy, who I swore was my boyfriend, kept staring at me in a very scary way.
“Tyler?”
No answer. The guy kept staring. I slowly reached for my phone to call Tyler, who I could now here in the room next to me. Finally, I grabbed it and the phone started ringing. I shifted some and the guy disappeared. When Tyler answered, I sat up and the door went back to the way it had been. I was completely freaked out. I made him search my room.
As for last night, I had been an interesting dream involving my mom. She was going on a date with some guy and she was nervous. It was very cute. Well after she left it flashed to two years later and the guy was proposing to her. She told him she didn’t want to add the stress of marriage to their perfect relationship. He told her he completely understood and told her to keep the ring and wear it like an engagement ring. He told her that if she changed her mind, just to let him know. It was adorable. It felt so real, like I was actually there. I was so happy for her and when the alarm woke me up I was rather sad to find out that it wasn’t real. I wish it had been. She deserves to be happy.
Now waking up because of pain is pretty normal unfortunately. I guess that’s not that big of a deal. It was mostly the other two that were worth writing about. Anyways, that’s basically it. Peace.
Let’s start with Sunday night. I had been asleep for about 2 and a half hours at this point. Pressure changes wake me up sometimes, like my door opening and I think that’s what woke me up. I thought I had heard the door move and assumed it was my boyfriend coming in to check on me. When I opened my eyes and glanced over at the door, it was moved. It was much further open then it had been. Well, I caught something out the corner of my eye and looked over. A guy, who I thought was my boyfriend, was staring at me. It completely freaked me out. They just kept staring at me. Well this is kind of how it went.
“Oh my god Tyler, you scared the crap out of me.”
Guy keeps staring.
“Tyler?”
Keeps on staring.
“Tyler?”
Keeps staring.
“Tyler?”
At this point my voice was getting quitter and staring to sound freaked out as I sink into my bed and pillow. This guy, who I swore was my boyfriend, kept staring at me in a very scary way.
“Tyler?”
No answer. The guy kept staring. I slowly reached for my phone to call Tyler, who I could now here in the room next to me. Finally, I grabbed it and the phone started ringing. I shifted some and the guy disappeared. When Tyler answered, I sat up and the door went back to the way it had been. I was completely freaked out. I made him search my room.
As for last night, I had been an interesting dream involving my mom. She was going on a date with some guy and she was nervous. It was very cute. Well after she left it flashed to two years later and the guy was proposing to her. She told him she didn’t want to add the stress of marriage to their perfect relationship. He told her he completely understood and told her to keep the ring and wear it like an engagement ring. He told her that if she changed her mind, just to let him know. It was adorable. It felt so real, like I was actually there. I was so happy for her and when the alarm woke me up I was rather sad to find out that it wasn’t real. I wish it had been. She deserves to be happy.
Now waking up because of pain is pretty normal unfortunately. I guess that’s not that big of a deal. It was mostly the other two that were worth writing about. Anyways, that’s basically it. Peace.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Getting Back On the Horse
I haven’t posted in awhile and you know, there have been some changes. I’ve been writing for me. I haven’t written just to write in a very long time. I don’t mean writing like this, I mean writing fictional pieces. It’s weird, almost awkward. Every time I read what I wrote, I feel like it is really bad. I wonder if it is because I haven’t written so long, or maybe it’s because I’m really not that good. My boyfriend says I’m good, but I wonder if he lies to me because he’s dating me. I would hope he could be honest with me because we’ve been together for so long. I love the butt head, that’s for sure. Well, I’ll post it when I’m done with the piece I’m working on now. If I ever finish it. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Foggy Window
I apparently wrote this last night after my sleeping pill kicked in. I vaguely remember it, but not really. I guess let me know what you think.
It’s interesting how when you aren’t heavily dosed with pain medication the world looks completely different. It’s like looking through a nice new clean window after looking through a dirty foggy one for months. I was noticing things that I had never seen before. Like the fact that the building weren’t just brown, they were shades of brown and green. I noticed the woman in her very red dress that burned your eyes after looking at her in the sun. I noticed a tiny African American man walking around the streets collecting bags and singing to himself. I had heard about him before, but I had never really seen or noticed him. He had a cap on his head that shadowed his rough beard and his clothes unfortunately were worn to the bone. Everyone had always said he was so nice, so why was he still here? Why hasn’t anyone helped him? Some things, I don’t want to notice.
A year ago, I was a sophomore in college and working like most college students going to a community college. I had straight A’s and I was in an academic honor society. I could come and go at home as I pleased and I had been with my fantastic boyfriend for over a year. After surgery about six months ago I became basically stuck at home medicated on the couch. I was in pain all the time and I was heavily medicated with pain medication. Not only was I getting 30mg’s an hour through a pain patch, I was also taking 100mg’s ever 6 hours orally. My entire world had been altered so quickly. Six months later and I was just starting to walk around with a cane. I was told to push through the pain. Finally, I was sick of it. I stopped all of my pain medication and only took it when I absolutely needed it. Even then I would debate taking it for hours until I finally gave in and took it. I was only taking it periodically. A significant amount of the pain had gone away, after stopping the pain medication, so I started to feel fantastic.
My wonderful boyfriend took me to the city to go shopping and get some fresh air. I was absolutely excited, especially since I would be walking. As we strolled I noticed the green of the trees leaves, and the patterns on the flowers. I even saw stores and gardens I had never known existed. It felt like a perfect day.
“Are you ready?”
The voice was very rough and dry. They almost seemed disinterested in what they were doing. It was that type of voice some people had when you walked up to check out at a store. That voice where you can tell they are miserable and don’t want to be there.
“Now?”
“Well yes, of course now. When else would we leave?” he sneered.
What a jerk. I could feel a frown slide onto my face to protest leaving. My heart was killing me and I wanted to just fall over and cry. How could some one that I had never met till just now be so cruel?
I could feel the tears preparing to spill down my face as I took in the scene before me. On my right there was a car that was spun not only completely around, but upside down as well leaning on one of the light poles. The cars sleek black paint made it stick out among the cars on the street. A car that was expensive and didn’t belong here. The driver had been completely drunk. He came flying around the corner at twice the speed limit, and then BANG! There goes the person crossing the street.
There was blood everywhere. The girl’s purse had been thrown 20 feet behind her, not that it really mattered. Her phone was in her purse, how was she going to call her mom and tell her everything would be ok. How was I going to get it back, it was too much of a mess to get it back. Oh the blood, so much blood.
“Miss! Are you ready yet?”
He was getting irritated; I could hear it in his voice. He wanted to move on to the next thing. Like most people, he wanted to get done and go home. I couldn’t blame him, but I wish he would understand.
There’s the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend who took me out. He’s going to think its his fault, but it’s not. How do I make sure he knows, it’s not his fault?
“How do I tell him,” I whispered. My mouth didn’t want to work.
“You can’t,” he growled.
“What do you mean I can’t? No letter? No, like psychic? Nothing?”
Was he kidding me? I can’t tell anyone how much I loved them or how much they meant the world to me? These poor people had to put up with me trying to get better for over six months, and now this!
“Why the hell not!” I yelled.
“Look, if I could let you I would. The thing is, it’s against the rules. You can’t try and communicate with mortals for at least 2 years. It has to do with the grieving process.”
What was I supposed to do? Just let everyone think what they wanted about me? Just because today had started out bad and I had snapped at people, I will forever be that angry girl. I’m not normally angry; I don’t want to be this way.
“Look, kid, the longer you try and stay here the worse it’s going to get. Let’s go.”
I understood his point, it was logical. I had to say goodbye first, to at least my love.
This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I slowly walked toward my boyfriend. He was sitting on the curb crying, not that I could blame him. I knew he was mumbling something, but as I got closer it was easier to understand.
“It’s all my fault, I should have never brought her out.” He whispered as he rocked back and forth.
I touched his head with my blood soaked hands and thought as hard as I could that it was not his fault and that today had been the best day I had had in years. I got out of the house, I was walking, my loving boyfriend had been with me, and I got to smell the ocean one more time. It was perfect.
“Let’s go!” snapped the man’s voice. I still couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, but I knew I had to fallow it. I kissed my loves head and gave him a farewell hug wishing him all the happiness in the world.
I felt a cold hand wrap around mine as I headed back towards the rather disturbing man’s voice. I have to say that it officially freaked me out being grabbed like that. When I looked around to see what it was, I had to look down. My bloody smashed up body was pulling me towards it. Every pull was harder and more forceful. Here I thought I was dead.
“She’s mine!” screamed the creepy disembodied voice, “Give her back! You can’t take her!”
Then what happened was like a whirl wind. I was being pulled in two completely different directions. When the tug-a-war ended, I was thrown back into my body. It’s like being hit with a ton of bricks that can electrocute you. I vaguely remember being in an ambulance, but nothing else up until I woke up in the ICU. I felt like I had my very own little bubble to keep me safe. When I was finally able to open my eyes, I looked around a little and noticed someone holding my hand. It was my mom, my perfect mom. If it wasn’t for her I would have been long gone by now. I can only imagine the magic she pulled for me this time. After moving my hand around a little underneath hers, she woke up with a jolt.
“I am so sorry,” I cried, “I wasn’t trying to wake you up mom.”
“It’s ok sweetie. I’m glad you did.”
She really didn’t say much after that, she just walked over to the curtain that covered my room and opened it. Outside my window was my brothers, sister, sister-in-law, nephew, father, grandmother, and of course my amazing boyfriend. They were all standing there smiling at me, I had never felt so loved in my entire life, I cried. I know I did and it was for at least 10 minutes. I had never been so happy and distraught. It’s amazing what the power of love can do. I still can’t believe that I’m here, breathing.
It’s interesting how when you aren’t heavily dosed with pain medication the world looks completely different. It’s like looking through a nice new clean window after looking through a dirty foggy one for months. I was noticing things that I had never seen before. Like the fact that the building weren’t just brown, they were shades of brown and green. I noticed the woman in her very red dress that burned your eyes after looking at her in the sun. I noticed a tiny African American man walking around the streets collecting bags and singing to himself. I had heard about him before, but I had never really seen or noticed him. He had a cap on his head that shadowed his rough beard and his clothes unfortunately were worn to the bone. Everyone had always said he was so nice, so why was he still here? Why hasn’t anyone helped him? Some things, I don’t want to notice.
A year ago, I was a sophomore in college and working like most college students going to a community college. I had straight A’s and I was in an academic honor society. I could come and go at home as I pleased and I had been with my fantastic boyfriend for over a year. After surgery about six months ago I became basically stuck at home medicated on the couch. I was in pain all the time and I was heavily medicated with pain medication. Not only was I getting 30mg’s an hour through a pain patch, I was also taking 100mg’s ever 6 hours orally. My entire world had been altered so quickly. Six months later and I was just starting to walk around with a cane. I was told to push through the pain. Finally, I was sick of it. I stopped all of my pain medication and only took it when I absolutely needed it. Even then I would debate taking it for hours until I finally gave in and took it. I was only taking it periodically. A significant amount of the pain had gone away, after stopping the pain medication, so I started to feel fantastic.
My wonderful boyfriend took me to the city to go shopping and get some fresh air. I was absolutely excited, especially since I would be walking. As we strolled I noticed the green of the trees leaves, and the patterns on the flowers. I even saw stores and gardens I had never known existed. It felt like a perfect day.
“Are you ready?”
The voice was very rough and dry. They almost seemed disinterested in what they were doing. It was that type of voice some people had when you walked up to check out at a store. That voice where you can tell they are miserable and don’t want to be there.
“Now?”
“Well yes, of course now. When else would we leave?” he sneered.
What a jerk. I could feel a frown slide onto my face to protest leaving. My heart was killing me and I wanted to just fall over and cry. How could some one that I had never met till just now be so cruel?
I could feel the tears preparing to spill down my face as I took in the scene before me. On my right there was a car that was spun not only completely around, but upside down as well leaning on one of the light poles. The cars sleek black paint made it stick out among the cars on the street. A car that was expensive and didn’t belong here. The driver had been completely drunk. He came flying around the corner at twice the speed limit, and then BANG! There goes the person crossing the street.
There was blood everywhere. The girl’s purse had been thrown 20 feet behind her, not that it really mattered. Her phone was in her purse, how was she going to call her mom and tell her everything would be ok. How was I going to get it back, it was too much of a mess to get it back. Oh the blood, so much blood.
“Miss! Are you ready yet?”
He was getting irritated; I could hear it in his voice. He wanted to move on to the next thing. Like most people, he wanted to get done and go home. I couldn’t blame him, but I wish he would understand.
There’s the love of my life, my wonderful boyfriend who took me out. He’s going to think its his fault, but it’s not. How do I make sure he knows, it’s not his fault?
“How do I tell him,” I whispered. My mouth didn’t want to work.
“You can’t,” he growled.
“What do you mean I can’t? No letter? No, like psychic? Nothing?”
Was he kidding me? I can’t tell anyone how much I loved them or how much they meant the world to me? These poor people had to put up with me trying to get better for over six months, and now this!
“Why the hell not!” I yelled.
“Look, if I could let you I would. The thing is, it’s against the rules. You can’t try and communicate with mortals for at least 2 years. It has to do with the grieving process.”
What was I supposed to do? Just let everyone think what they wanted about me? Just because today had started out bad and I had snapped at people, I will forever be that angry girl. I’m not normally angry; I don’t want to be this way.
“Look, kid, the longer you try and stay here the worse it’s going to get. Let’s go.”
I understood his point, it was logical. I had to say goodbye first, to at least my love.
This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I slowly walked toward my boyfriend. He was sitting on the curb crying, not that I could blame him. I knew he was mumbling something, but as I got closer it was easier to understand.
“It’s all my fault, I should have never brought her out.” He whispered as he rocked back and forth.
I touched his head with my blood soaked hands and thought as hard as I could that it was not his fault and that today had been the best day I had had in years. I got out of the house, I was walking, my loving boyfriend had been with me, and I got to smell the ocean one more time. It was perfect.
“Let’s go!” snapped the man’s voice. I still couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, but I knew I had to fallow it. I kissed my loves head and gave him a farewell hug wishing him all the happiness in the world.
I felt a cold hand wrap around mine as I headed back towards the rather disturbing man’s voice. I have to say that it officially freaked me out being grabbed like that. When I looked around to see what it was, I had to look down. My bloody smashed up body was pulling me towards it. Every pull was harder and more forceful. Here I thought I was dead.
“She’s mine!” screamed the creepy disembodied voice, “Give her back! You can’t take her!”
Then what happened was like a whirl wind. I was being pulled in two completely different directions. When the tug-a-war ended, I was thrown back into my body. It’s like being hit with a ton of bricks that can electrocute you. I vaguely remember being in an ambulance, but nothing else up until I woke up in the ICU. I felt like I had my very own little bubble to keep me safe. When I was finally able to open my eyes, I looked around a little and noticed someone holding my hand. It was my mom, my perfect mom. If it wasn’t for her I would have been long gone by now. I can only imagine the magic she pulled for me this time. After moving my hand around a little underneath hers, she woke up with a jolt.
“I am so sorry,” I cried, “I wasn’t trying to wake you up mom.”
“It’s ok sweetie. I’m glad you did.”
She really didn’t say much after that, she just walked over to the curtain that covered my room and opened it. Outside my window was my brothers, sister, sister-in-law, nephew, father, grandmother, and of course my amazing boyfriend. They were all standing there smiling at me, I had never felt so loved in my entire life, I cried. I know I did and it was for at least 10 minutes. I had never been so happy and distraught. It’s amazing what the power of love can do. I still can’t believe that I’m here, breathing.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Make-A-Wish
My older brother put up a link on Facebook today about a 13 year old who got to be a super hero for a day. Since Make-A-Wish was the reason my family got to go to Disney World when I was six, the article made me cry. I don't do well with children going through diseases. I think it's because it hits home so much. This is an amazing story that touched my heart and made me cry. It reminded me of what I made it through and how I can make it through this too. If you happen to read my blog, please read this article. It is worth the few minutes of reading.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2011740342_electronboy30m.html
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2011740342_electronboy30m.html
A is for Addiction
I've been on pain medication constantly for over 6 months. Last week after hurting my Akiles tendon, and being even more heavily medicated, I decided to stop taking it. I'm so sick of being out of it all the time and feeling completely subdued. There is both an upside and a downside to just stopping pain medication. I had been off of it all weekend until last night when I finally caved and took some. I will admit that I also took some this morning and I am not proud of it. I need to just let me body detox from all this medicine, but I also managed to get sick while detoxing. figures that I would become ill and be detoxing at the same time. My body is completely backwards and I'm sick of it.
Now to cover the upsides to just stopping pain medication. First, that means your body will get over it quicker. Which, I have to say is nice. Then my body will be detoxed from the entire thing and the only time I'll need to take anything is occasionally, if that. The other good thing about just stopping it, is that you feel mentally strong and confident. If I can make it through this, I feel like I can make it through anything.
The downside to all of this, is that I'm going through really bad withdrawals. Since I didn't just taper off of the medication, my body is freaking out not having its fix. I don't enjoy that, making it sound like I'm an addict. I guess technically I am though, but at least I realize that I don't enjoy it. That makes me different right? I mean I took my body off of 30 mg an our of pain medication in a patch form, and 2 pills of Diloted ever 6 hours. Before that I was on the patch and Narco for break through pain. I took myself off quite a lot of pain medication.
I can make it through this. If I can make it through cancer, gallbladder failure, appendix removal, tonsil removal, sinus cavity enlargement because of chronic infections, and have surgery on both my left and right ankle, I can make it through this. At least I hope I can. If I didn't have the amazing people I did helping me out, I probably would be a lot worse off then I am now. Bring it on withdrawals. Bring. It. On.
Now to cover the upsides to just stopping pain medication. First, that means your body will get over it quicker. Which, I have to say is nice. Then my body will be detoxed from the entire thing and the only time I'll need to take anything is occasionally, if that. The other good thing about just stopping it, is that you feel mentally strong and confident. If I can make it through this, I feel like I can make it through anything.
The downside to all of this, is that I'm going through really bad withdrawals. Since I didn't just taper off of the medication, my body is freaking out not having its fix. I don't enjoy that, making it sound like I'm an addict. I guess technically I am though, but at least I realize that I don't enjoy it. That makes me different right? I mean I took my body off of 30 mg an our of pain medication in a patch form, and 2 pills of Diloted ever 6 hours. Before that I was on the patch and Narco for break through pain. I took myself off quite a lot of pain medication.
I can make it through this. If I can make it through cancer, gallbladder failure, appendix removal, tonsil removal, sinus cavity enlargement because of chronic infections, and have surgery on both my left and right ankle, I can make it through this. At least I hope I can. If I didn't have the amazing people I did helping me out, I probably would be a lot worse off then I am now. Bring it on withdrawals. Bring. It. On.
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