It Isn't Everything

It’s weird how much my life has changed. I guess I never realized how much one little incident can change your life forever. I mean I have had big things happen before, but not like this. I must have taken it for granted. How did I not realize how important it really was? At least I had family, friends, and a wonderful boyfriend to help me. If I didn’t, I don’t know what I would do. Did the door bell just ring? It did. He’s here; I can’t believe he’s already here. What time is it? I’m not ready! Where is that stupid clock?

I placed my hand next to me, the comforter felt cool in my hands. It was softer then I remembered. The cotton was so smooth as I slid my hand carefully over it until I could feel my squishy pillow. Slowly, my hand traced the pillow as it moved to the left. When the bed disappeared under my hand, I knew I was close. Hesitantly I kept moving my hand to the left until it hit the bedside table. It still scared me, no matter how many times my hand carefully touched it. I knew it was there, but it always caught me off guard. Once my hand was on the flat glass surface on the top of it, I slid my hand along until I found the clock. The big button, it’s the big button. Where is it? Small button, small button, switch, medium button, none of these were it. Did I miss it? Carefully backtracking over the buttons I began to count. One, two, three, down, four, big button, there it was.

“The time is, six twenty pm.”

He’s early; I knew he had to be early. I don’t even know how I look, or where my shoes are. Where are my shoes!! Closet, get to the closet. It’s frustrating how little things have become so difficult, things I took for granted for years. Things like being able to cook on my own, pick out shoes, and even walk by myself. I know some things will come with time, but other things make me worry. What if I can’t ever do them ever again?

The sound of him knocking lightly on the door scared me out of my thoughts. It scared me every time he did that. I guess I should have been used to it by now, but I still haven’t. Is that weird? Does that mean something’s wrong with me? I hate this, I hate this so much. Uhg, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I should just get used to it and try and deal with it. Grow with the new me. I can do this, I know I can. I have to.

“Are you ready?”

“I can’t find my shoes,” I whispered.

“That’s okay, let me help you.”

“I don’t want you to have to help me. I want to be able to do it on my own.”

I hate relying on people. I was so used to being able to do things on my own. It’s so hard to transition from that. Right now I can barely get to the bathroom on my own, let alone leave my house. I know everything will come with time, but it’s just so frustrating.

“I know, but it has only been a week. You can’t expect to be perfect at everything yet. I mean, you’ve lived here for a few years now and you haven’t gotten used to where things are yet.”

“Great, so you think I’m taking too long to figure things out.”

I can’t believe this, I’m taking too long? It’s only been a week! People can’t expect me to be perfect yet.

“That is not what I meant and you know it,” he sighed.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Of course you can, you are a strong amazing woman. You can do anything you put your mind to.”

I heard him move closer to me. His shoes on the carpet had a distinct sound. Everyone I knew sounded different. He had a lighter step then most people, probably from his years of martial arts training. He used to enjoy it and I still think he does, but he doesn’t want to get back into it. I never understood why.

“Did you find my shoes?” I sighed.

I knew he wouldn’t let me try and feel my way around until I found had them. He would sit me back down and grab them himself. Sometimes I wish he would let me try when he’s around, that way I can get over this and keep moving. The good thing about being able to see before the accident is that I can picture rooms in my head. Sometimes it helps, but then there are other times where it just makes it so much worse. It just reminds me that everything’s different now.

“I’ve got them right here,” he said. I could hear the smile in his voice. He almost sounded triumphant.

When he touched my leg I let out a little yelp. After that, I was just embarrassed. It wasn’t like it hurt and I should have expected it, but I didn’t. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this right?

“Stop worrying. You are doing magnificent for someone who just lost their sight. Even the doctor said so. Why do you think they let you leave so early?”

“I know,” I whispered, “But it doesn’t change how I feel. How discombobulated I am.”

He had already gotten one shoe on and was trying to button it. They were my favorite pair of shoes. They were black with big black buttons on the side that held the strap down. I could feel him fumbling and his body slowly becoming ridged as he became more and more frustrated. When I reached for my foot, it just reminded me how everything was different now. I couldn’t even reach for my foot without having to feel around for it. I missed it by going too far or not far enough.

“Here, let me help,” I whispered.

“No, I’ve got it,” he growled.

“Uhhg. Just let me do it. I can do at least this.”

He stopped moving then. All I could here was his breathing. When I finally got my hands on the strap and button, he moved his. He let me do it and then slid then other shoe on my foot. I reached again, but for the other foot this time and carefully button the shoe like I had hundreds of times.

“You think I’m incompetent don’t you,” he breathed.

“What? Are you kidding me? I would never think that, especially now!”

I knew he was tense. The air in the whole room had shifted. It was like breathing in smoke. It was heavy, thick and really wasn’t working well.

“Come on, let’s go. I’m starving and could use a night out,” I said smiling.

“Are you sure? We can just stay here again.”

“Of course I’m sure. You think I would have gone through all this trouble getting ready if I wasn’t going out?”

He laughed. His amazing laugh that always made me feel better. It was comforting no matter how horrible I felt.

“Come on,” he said. I could tell he was smiling now. I could see it in my head, that lopsided smile of his.

He carefully slid his hand into mine and helped me stand up. Standing was still a little difficult sometimes. It was like my whole world shifted. I had to get better at keeping it steady or I might fall on my face more often than I used to. He led me very carefully through the house, making sure to warn me when object I could bump into or trip over were near. The steps were the problem. Why I had thought it was a good idea to have a five floor walk up, I’d never know. I guess when I could see it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe it was time to find a new place. I don’t know if I could handle that right now though.

“You ok?” his voice broke through my thoughts and scared me.

“Oh my god! Don’t do that!” I yelped.

“Do what? Ask you a question? You look really worried.”

It really shouldn’t have surprised me. He always asked if I was okay. Especially now. I couldn’t blame him, though it did get quite annoying when everyone is always asking if I was okay.

“I’m sorry, I was just thinking. About the stairs,” I sighed.

“What about them? Do you want me to carry you? I can carry you.”

The urgency and worry in his voice made me laugh.

“No, you don’t have to carry me. I was just thinking about if I should move or not. You know, because of how many stairs there are. If it was only a floor or two it probably wouldn’t be that bad. It’s just, you know.”

I could feel my voice drift off. If I conquered these stairs, I would feel fantastic. Just because I was blind didn’t mean I couldn’t do this. No matter how people made me feel, I can do whatever I want. After declaring that, it was like a wave of relief washed of me. I wasn’t sure how long it would last, but it felt fantastic. It was the most amazing I had felt for days. When I grabbed the railing I felt stable as I took my first step. It felt like the floor had dropped out from under me until both my feet were planted firmly on the next step.

“Wow, you did it. You took a step on your own,” the excitement in his voice made me feel even better.

I could do this. I stepped again and again very slowly. Each step got easier. I didn’t feel like I would fall the farther I went on my own. I knew that if I did trip though I would be ok. He wouldn’t let me fall. I knew I was getting close to the bottom before I took another step. I fell for the first time. I thought I was going to be sick until I felt his arms wrap around me. He stabled me, but my head was still spinning.

“If you wanted to keep taking stairs all you had to do was ask,” he laughed.

“What? What do you mean?”

I was so confused and my brain didn’t want to work right. It hadn’t stabilized quite yet.

“We’re on the ground floor. You already took the last step.”

I knew he was smirking at me. I could feel it and see it in my mind.

“What? I did? What didn’t you tell me you jerk!”

He laughed really hard this time, “I thought you knew, you were doing so well.”

“Well obviously I didn’t,” I grumbled.

“You’re missing what’s important here.”

“What do you mean,” I asked.

“You just walked down five flights of stairs on your own. I didn’t help at all.”

“I did?” my mind went back over everything I had just done, every stair.

“I did!” I cried, “I did it!”

“Yeah you did,” he laughed, “I’m so proud of you. Let’s go celebrate.”

I was so excited; I didn’t even notice that he had gotten me out the front door until I smelled the outside. It was the most amazing this I had smelt in my entire life. The smell of the water mixed with flowers, food, and the night air. It was absolutely sinful. I could see the world in a whole new way and it was amazing. At that point I knew, I knew everything would be okay.